Big Bang goes OUT … Little Protons go IN (Homer Simpson would understand)
Please sir! Sir! Sir!
Yes, Triffid, what is it now?
Please sir! I've had this spiffing idea sir!
Oh no. Not another perpetual motion machine is it?
Please sir, no sir…
Go on then… what is it?
Well sir… this Big Bang thingy…
Yes, what of it?
Well sir.. why don't we try and simulate it by banging protons together sir?
Say that again…
Copy the Big Bang by bashing tiny little things into each other. Like this… POW!!! POW!!!
Yes. Please. That's enough. Look, Triffid... Have I got you right? Do you understand what the Big Bang is?
Yes Sir. Of course sir. It's the theory that the universe and everything in it.. all the stars and everything… all suddenly came from out of nowhere in a huge big BANG! POW!! Whoosh!!!
There are how many estimated stars in our galaxy, Triffid?
Oh.. about a hundred thousand million sir. Everyone knows that.
And how many other galaxies are there estimated to be?
Another hundred thousand million sir! My cat knows that sir!
Making a total of about, say, 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 stars?
And loads of gas and stuff…
Weighing about what?
Well… a whole universe full, I suppose.
Right. Now then Triffid… tell me what you know about protons…
Gosh! Tiny tiny tiny!
Billions would fit on a pin head would you say?
Never counted them sir!
So.. on the one hand a whole universe, and on the other hand something vanishingly tiny. And you're suggesting that whacking a few tiny tinies together is in some way relevant to how a whole universe suddenly appeared?
Well, yes sir. How else could we do it?
Now think.. a Big Bang is a colossal explosion, yes?
POW! BANNNG!!!
And.. please don't do that. And an explosion is matter travelling outwards from a single point at high speed?
POWWWW!!
Whereas colliding particles together is a matter of matter travelling inwards at high speed, yes?
POW!! WHOOSH!!!
Big Bang equals colossal matter moving outwards, whereas proton collision equals miniscule matter moving inwards? Can you explain how the latter might bear any relationship whatsoever to the former?
Erm.. well…. It would be a jolly big feather in the school cap, sir? I mean… St Darren's down the road have only got a wind tunnel sir. A new cyclotron would look terrific on the new school prospectus, sir..
Triffid… you are a moderately bright student as you are well aware. So I am surprised and a little alarmed to hear that you think that stuff moving inwards is somehow comparable to stuff moving outwards. This is the stuff of fantasy, Triffid.
But sir…
.. and I am not going to recommend the £5bn bursary you are asking for, plus God knows how much a year to run your ridiculous scheme, from the School Fund.
But sir..
No 'buts', Triffid. I do understand your youthful enthusiasm and your insatiable curiosity. Most commendable. But I strongly urge you to think out your experiments more clearly in future. When you grow up and go out into the big wide world, you will find that things are very different there.
Yes sir. Sorry sir.
No. Don't apologise. Just trot off and come back after tea with a list of ideas for, oh.. how about 'Ten Ways of Spending Five Billion Pounds Usefully'?
On science, sir?
If you like. Off you go…
Whee! Whizz!!!
Children, children…
Yes, Triffid, what is it now?
Please sir! I've had this spiffing idea sir!
Oh no. Not another perpetual motion machine is it?
Please sir, no sir…
Go on then… what is it?
Well sir… this Big Bang thingy…
Yes, what of it?
Well sir.. why don't we try and simulate it by banging protons together sir?
Say that again…
Copy the Big Bang by bashing tiny little things into each other. Like this… POW!!! POW!!!
Yes. Please. That's enough. Look, Triffid... Have I got you right? Do you understand what the Big Bang is?
Yes Sir. Of course sir. It's the theory that the universe and everything in it.. all the stars and everything… all suddenly came from out of nowhere in a huge big BANG! POW!! Whoosh!!!
There are how many estimated stars in our galaxy, Triffid?
Oh.. about a hundred thousand million sir. Everyone knows that.
And how many other galaxies are there estimated to be?
Another hundred thousand million sir! My cat knows that sir!
Making a total of about, say, 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 stars?
And loads of gas and stuff…
Weighing about what?
Well… a whole universe full, I suppose.
Right. Now then Triffid… tell me what you know about protons…
Gosh! Tiny tiny tiny!
Billions would fit on a pin head would you say?
Never counted them sir!
So.. on the one hand a whole universe, and on the other hand something vanishingly tiny. And you're suggesting that whacking a few tiny tinies together is in some way relevant to how a whole universe suddenly appeared?
Well, yes sir. How else could we do it?
Now think.. a Big Bang is a colossal explosion, yes?
POW! BANNNG!!!
And.. please don't do that. And an explosion is matter travelling outwards from a single point at high speed?
POWWWW!!
Whereas colliding particles together is a matter of matter travelling inwards at high speed, yes?
POW!! WHOOSH!!!
Big Bang equals colossal matter moving outwards, whereas proton collision equals miniscule matter moving inwards? Can you explain how the latter might bear any relationship whatsoever to the former?
Erm.. well…. It would be a jolly big feather in the school cap, sir? I mean… St Darren's down the road have only got a wind tunnel sir. A new cyclotron would look terrific on the new school prospectus, sir..
Triffid… you are a moderately bright student as you are well aware. So I am surprised and a little alarmed to hear that you think that stuff moving inwards is somehow comparable to stuff moving outwards. This is the stuff of fantasy, Triffid.
But sir…
.. and I am not going to recommend the £5bn bursary you are asking for, plus God knows how much a year to run your ridiculous scheme, from the School Fund.
But sir..
No 'buts', Triffid. I do understand your youthful enthusiasm and your insatiable curiosity. Most commendable. But I strongly urge you to think out your experiments more clearly in future. When you grow up and go out into the big wide world, you will find that things are very different there.
Yes sir. Sorry sir.
No. Don't apologise. Just trot off and come back after tea with a list of ideas for, oh.. how about 'Ten Ways of Spending Five Billion Pounds Usefully'?
On science, sir?
If you like. Off you go…
Whee! Whizz!!!
Children, children…
posted by Chas Griffin at 3:01 pm
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